Platonic soulmate: what it means and how to know you have one

What does platonic soulmate mean?

The phrase joins two ideas. Platonic describes a close relationship with no romantic or sexual side. Soulmate describes a person with whom you feel a deep and natural affinity. Put together, a platonic soulmate is the friend who feels like family you chose.

People use the term for a bond that goes beyond an ordinary friendship. You do not have to explain yourself to this person. They know your history, they can tell how you are from one text, and you assume they will be in your life when you are old.

Where does the term come from?

Both words go back to the Greek philosopher Plato. In his dialogue the Symposium, the playwright Aristophanes tells a story in which humans once had four arms, four legs and two faces. Zeus split them in two, and each half has searched for the other ever since. That story is the root of the soulmate idea.

Platonic love is named after Plato as well. The scholar Marsilio Ficino is credited with coining the Latin term amor platonicus in the 15th century, the phrase entered English in the 1630s, and by the 18th century it had come to mean a close bond without sex. The earliest known use of soul mate in English is usually credited to a letter by the poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge from 1822.

What are the signs of a platonic soulmate?

Here are nine signs people point to when they describe the friend they call a soulmate.

1. You clicked quickly and it never wore off

The early ease is still there years later. Many strong friendships start slowly, so a fast start is not required. What counts is that the closeness has lasted.

2. You can tell them anything

They know the things you have told nobody else, and nothing you say changes how they see you.

3. Silence is comfortable

You can share a long drive or an afternoon without talking and still feel close.

4. You pick up where you left off

Weeks or months can pass, and the first conversation feels like no time has gone by. Distance changes how often you talk. For many people it does not change the bond.

5. They tell you the truth

They say the thing you need to hear, kindly, and you take it from them when you would not take it from anyone else.

6. You are glad for each other

Their good news feels like your good news. There is no scorekeeping and no quiet competition.

7. They show up when things go wrong

In a crisis they are the first call, and they come without being asked twice.

8. There is no romantic pull

You love them, and you are not wondering whether it could be more. This is the sign that separates a platonic soulmate from a romantic one.

9. They are in your picture of the future

When you imagine your life in twenty years, they are in it, whoever else is.

Platonic soulmate vs romantic soulmate vs best friend

The three overlap, and the same person can move between them. This table shows where they differ.

Can a platonic soulmate become romantic?

Sometimes. Feelings can change, and plenty of couples began as close friends. If you notice attraction, be honest with yourself first, then think about what you would risk and gain by saying so. A friendship this strong can usually survive an honest conversation. It struggles more with months of unspoken feelings.

If you are trying to work out which kind of bond you have, the questions in how to know if someone is your soulmate will help.

Can you have a platonic soulmate and a romantic partner?

Yes. Having one does not get in the way of the other. One person rarely meets every need, and a close friend can take pressure off a relationship.

It works when nothing is hidden. Your partner knows the friend, the three of you spend time together, and neither relationship is used to avoid problems in the other. If a partner feels uneasy, treat it as something to talk through. It does not mean you have to choose.

How rare is a platonic soulmate?

In the United States, close friendship has become less common. In the May 2021 American Perspectives Survey of 2,019 adults, 59% of Americans said they have a best friend, down from 75% in 1990. Twelve percent said they have no close friends at all, up from 3% in 1990.

Deep friendship also takes time. A 2018 study by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas estimated that it takes about 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become a friend and more than 200 hours to become a close friend. A platonic soulmate is built over years on top of that.

How do you keep a platonic soulmate?

• Put time in the calendar. Friendships tend to fade through lack of contact.
• Say it out loud. Tell them what the friendship means to you.
• Show up for the big days and the bad days.
• Repair quickly after a disagreement. Do not let silence do the talking.
• Let the friendship change shape when one of you moves, marries or has children.

What about the romantic kind?

A platonic soulmate and a romantic soulmate are different people in most lives, and one does not replace the other. If you are curious about the romantic one, a soulmate sketch gives you a portrait and a written Soulmate Story to reflect on, made from the answers you give. It is for enjoyment, not a prediction.

Sources: Platonic love and Soulmate, Wikipedia. Survey Center on American Life, 2021. Hall (2018), Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, reported by the University of Kansas.